Nine Lives
by SomberFilledWithSullen
Summary: "I'm never gonna hit the brakes. I keep running 'till the better days. You know I'm never slowing down. I'll drive this car into the ground."/ Or where Ross tells his fans about the gut-wrenching truth behind R5's song "Nine Lives."


Taking a deep breath, I walk on stage, immediately feeling the love from all of our screaming fans. Even through my anxiety, I'm unable to contain my smile. The R5 family has done nothing but support me, and now's the time to show my gratitude.

I'm going to tell them the truth.

The truth about how I'm adopted, how my birth parents were extremely abusive, how I've been in over 3 foster homes, how I struggle with depression and self harm... they're gonna know it all. Tonight.

"How's everyone doing tonight?!" I yell through the mic, feeling my heart beat wildly in my chest.

The crowd roars and claps in response, and I just nod my head.

"Are we ready to rock?!"

More screams. I smile again.

"Let's do this!"

Riker starts messing with his guitar chords. Rydel plays random notes on the keyboard. Rocky riffs a few times. Ratliff taps his drumsticks together. Eventually, everyone's music becomes cohesive.

And the song starts.

**Ring the alarm, it's getting dark,**  
**Can't see my shadow**  
**This broken town is breaking me down**  
**I grab my things and go**

I feel my eyes start to water.

**Climb up on top,**  
**Out of this box**  
**To feel the daylight**  
**Unlock the doors**  
**There's something more**  
**And all that I don't know**

I shake my head and shut my eyes tight.

**I got nine lives here in this wasteland**  
**Don't care**  
**I'll drive this car into the ground**  
**Don't need nobody to save me**  
**Give up, you know I'm never slowing down**  
**Free fall**  
**I'm wanna feel it all**  
**I got nine lives not gonna waste it**  
**Don't care**  
**I'll drive this car into the ground**

I exhale, looking over at Rocky. He gives me a sympathetic smile and an understanding nod. I look back to the crowd.

**Don't need a map**  
**Keep me on track**  
**I'll find my own road**  
**Don't got a dime**  
**But I got time to wait for tomorrow**

I got this.

**I wanna get lost in the city of lights**  
**Jump off the edge of the world tonight**

I don't need to anymore. I have what I need. I want to live.

**I got nine lives here in this wasteland**  
**Don't care**  
**I'll drive this car into the ground**  
**Don't need nobody to save** **me**  
**Give up, you know I'm never slowing down**  
**Free fall**  
**I wanna feel it all**  
**I got nine lives not gonna waste it**  
**Don't care**  
**I'll drive this car into the ground**

**I'm never gonna hit the brakes**  
**I, I keep running 'till the better days**  
**You know I'm never slowing down**  
**I, I, I'll drive this car into the ground**

My heart beats erratically as I finish the bridge, wanting nothing more than for the song to just end.

As the last chorus nears, I close my eyes to recompose myself. And when the song ends and the crowd screams, I turn around and open my eyes, allowing some tears to fall.

Rocky walks over to me and rubs my shoulder, asking me if I need a second. I shake my head.

I need to do this.

I turn back to our audience and force a smile, causing them to scream even louder. Taking advantage of this extra time, I take a deep breath and raise my arm, signaling for everyone to quiet down.

"I'm sure that... the first time you heard that song, you thought it was all about determination. And it is, but there's more to it," I say.

I glance at my parents off stage. My mom's blowing me kisses and my dad's giving me a thumbs up. I look back to the crowd.

"I wrote that song. Rocky didn't. Riker didn't. Only me. From a personal experience that I finally have the courage to tell you all about."

I close my eyes.

"I'm adopted," I confess. I open my eyes and watch as the girls in the front row look at each other, concerned.

"On September 26, 2007... Mark and Stormie Lynch gave a home. A home that I never had. I was 12... living in constant fear of the next family that would foster me and damage me even further. 4 houses. 4 couples. None of them wanted me. Neither did my birth parents."

I sniff, only then realizing the tears running down my face.

I chuckle humorlessly.

"Until I was 11, they beat me. Whipped and cut me, burned me. The woman that I dared to call my mother would use rope and duct tape to tie me to a metal pipe in the basement, while completely naked, allowing the sick monster I called my father to whip me and beat me black and blue," I spit angrily.

I bite my bottom lip, shaking my head.

"_He_ would use a butcher knife to carve words into my skin that will forever be scars. _She_ would grab a hold of my dick and squeeze it 'til my fucking balls would turn blue."

I'm not crying anymore. At this point, I'm just pissed.

"_He_ would drag me into the backyard, with my wrists and ankles shackled up with chains he'd find in the garage, and spray me with the hose. While completely naked. And no neighbors to hear me scream.

_She_ would lock me in the bathroom with her own custom mixture of ammonia and sodium cyanide, and just wait until I'm barely dead to pull me out of it. And then she'd fill up the bathtub to the top with soap and water and push me down to the bottom with the means to drown me."

I lick my lips, dreading the next thing I'm going to say.

"When I was 7, they stripped me down to my bare naked body and raped me."

The tears come back.

"It lasted an hour, and it felt like 5. I lost everything. My innocence, hope, any trace of happiness... gone.

I made my first cut that day. Didn't stop until about a year ago."

The crowd that had been so quiet before was now roaring. I heard a multitude of _Ross, we love you_'s and _You didn't deserve that_'s and _We're here for you_'s. That's all the encouragement I needed to continue.

"I thought I'd never live to see the day of my 16th birthday, or the day that those monsters were arrested and put away for good. But hey," I crack a smile. "I've got nine lives. And I didn't waste them."

The crowd cheers. My smile widens.

"I called the police the day of my 11th birthday. They got me out of that house as fast as they could and put into my first foster home. They didn't treat me all to well, and I didn't feel welcomed... but they didn't hit me. That was progress. But they gave me back. I wasn't good enough for them. Still, progress.

The next one was worse," I frown. "They were very strict. I was enrolled into a private school and all they cared about was whether I was getting good grades or not. If I got one B, I would get punished. More beatings. Nothing I hadn't dealt with before, alright. CPS came and took me away this time.

The next one was the best I'd had. It seemed like the perfect family and I thought I'd be with them forever. Until the couple had a new baby in the house. They decided I wasn't needed anymore at that point."

I lick my lips and take a deep breath, preparing to tell the crowd about the worst foster home I'd had.

"The fourth one... it was the worst place I'd been in since my biological parents. The couple was older, maybe in their 50's or 60's. And they... they didn't give a flying fuck about how old I was. All they saw me as was their sex toy."

I gulp and look offstage to my real parents. They look so concerned and it makes my heart fill with joy for a moment. I look back to the audience and my lips quiver.

"In the 4 months that I lived with them, I was sexually assaulted each day. I was fingered, exposed, whipped, raped... you name it, it happened. Once my social worker found out, they tried to turn the story around and say that I was doing all the dirty work. One rape kit later and they're behind bars with my parents."

I sigh, glad for the hard part to be over.

I stall, nervously adjusting the mic stand.

"I wasn't put into any more foster homes. My social worker didn't wanna put me through any more shit, and for that... I thank her. A lot. Because a week after being in the orphanage, two angels walked in," I smile. "And saved me from all that I knew."

I look over at them again, waving them over. They hesitate, but walk out anyways. The crowd cheers as loud as possible as my parents engulf me in one of the best hugs I've ever had. I let a few tears fall, whispering a silent prayer to thank God for these angels.

I turn back to the microphone, holding their hands.

"They came to volunteer, and help fundraise for an event that would hopefully get more kids adopted. They talked to all of the kids besides me, who was locked inside his room, unwilling to allow anyone past his barrier that he'd put up a long time ago. But eventually, they broke it down.

They 'broke down the walls,' if you will." I laugh. "They were the first people that made me feel comfortable in my own skin, and like I wasn't worthless. I know that they had no intention of adopting, because they told me they had 4 kids, but they decided to anyway."

I look back at all my siblings, feeling another round of tears well up in my eyes.

"And I met 4 amazing people that accepted me into their home as if I had already been a part of the family, and make me feel like... I was meant to be alive... which I had never felt before.

That line in the song... "jump off the edge of the world tonight," was written long before I even picked up a guitar. I wanted to die. I had no reason to live. Nobody wanted me, nobody loved me... I was ready to kill myself. Until the Lynches adopted me," I look at my parents again and smile.

"I was diagnosed with severe depression and PTSD. They got me a therapist, and I saw him every day for a couple years. He helped me stop cutting, and see the bright side of life. He, along with my parents - my REAL parents - helped me realize that I'm worth so much more than I thought.

And although it took about 9 years of therapy, lots of love and encouragement, and some extra support from you guys... I'm happy."

I smile wide.

"'I keep runnin' 'til the better days.' These are the better days. 'You know I'm never slowing down', because this car... this life filled with disappointment and abuse and hopelessness... I'm letting it go. I'm driving it into the ground, crashing it, and watching it crumble. Because I got nine lives..."

I squeeze my parents hands tighter and watch as the rest of the band, my family, surrounds us.

"And I'm not gonna waste it."


End file.
